Extending the olive branch

I love kids!  No, honestly I do and I hope to have a couple of  little rugrats running around in the near future.  But I’m just gonna put it out there and say what we are all thinking sometimes.  Not all kids are awesome and cute little nuggets, some kids are just a**holes.  Go ahead, think that I am the most evil person in the world.  But seriously people, you can’t tell me that you haven’t wanted to mention to an oblivious parent that their kid is a jerk and will grow up to be a leech on society.  This may offend the sensibilities of a few parents far and wide but I don’t care because your kid was the one who was kicking the back of my chair nonstop during a four-hour flight.   If that was me as a child I would have been back-handed and made to stand up for the rest of the flight.  If I may quote a funny little puppet on You Tube named Whitney Williams,  “you call it child abuse, I call it getting to the point!”.  I tried to be nice, I tried to smile, I tried to extend the olive branch but to no avail so the kid got a taste of  Trixie,  the evil counterpart of my Gemini star sign.  With eyes that would pierce the armor of a gallant knight of the round table, all it took was one look and I received the peaceful airplane ride that I sought.

You would think that a fantabulous vacation to Puerto Rico would have calmed me down enough to tolerate an adolescent maniac.  But nope it didn’t, in fact, it made me understand that I don’t like everyone and I don’t have to like everyone.  I probably don’t like the majority of people out there and I don’t act like I do either.  If I am not a fan of you, you will most likely know it and if you don’t know it, I will probably tell you.  I don’t think that is mean, I think it is just the opposite.  Why fake it?  What is the point?  Why do you want to hang around a person that rubs you the wrong way so as not to offend them.  Your doing yourself and them more harm than good cause your feeding into some sort of negativity that will fester until you have dreams that they will come to some untimely circumstance.  No bueno!  You shouldn’t end up wishing harm on anyone, it’s crazy bad Karma.  And remember disliking someone is not the same as hating them.  Hating gives the other person the power, it is an action verb after all.  You have to actively hate someone and therefore expend your precious energy.  Have I said I hate someone, of course I have!  But then I am so lazy that I can’t be bothered in actively hating someone, therefore I usually just forget about them and go about living in my bizarro world that is tinted in purple, smells of apricots and faeries  named BrownTom, Gump and Oona galavant around the forest.

Now for some gratuitous pictures of me in Puerto Rico!!! Come on admit it! You know you want to see what I do in my oh-so-exciting life besides dealing with the smell of old people gas and adult diapers.

Gettin’ jiggy with it!

Oh yeah, heavenly!

My hair: the result of humidity and jack Daniels

What, What in a Rut…

Bacon flavored chocolate peanut brittle.  ‘Nough said.  I almost made it without having any major sugar binges.  But really I couldn’t help it, in fact, the devil made me do it.  How is it that I have never in my life heard of this beautiful edible wonder until I decide to do a sugar detox?!  This is literally all of my favorite things combined.  Top it off with mashed potatoes and I may actually need to go into therapy because nothing would ever top the monumental deliciousness of that concoction.  So I had a major flub this weekend but I do not hate myself because I think that I have done surprisingly well on this detox.  But I mean really, the person who created this should be arrested and put in jail for making people fat asses with sugar addictions.  You suck, bacon flavored chocolate peanut brittle person!  But at the same time I love you and want to caress you ever so sweetly.

You bastard of joy!

Good Baby Jesus, do I screw up quite royally sometimes (yet no anal leakage this time…SCORE!).  And, I almost got on my own case about how much of a failure at life I am because I ate these tasty morsels. But really who the hell cares that I ate some chocolate?  Just me.  No one is really passing judgement that I ate chocolate except me and possibly that evil biyatch in the corner who is envious of my luster for a bacon infused life. And then I have to ask myself, am I really that addicted to sugar.  The answer is no, I’m really not.

Day 24 of the sugar detox and lets really just call a spade a spade.  I do not actually need a sugar detox cause I actually don’t eat that much actual sugar.  I rarely eat fruit, I’m not much for desserts (except for bacon flavored ones) but I did love my stevia, diet drinks, carb-free everything, wine, beer and bourbon.

What I am actually in need of is a “stuck in a rut” detox.  I am realizing that I am using all of these things as a way to fill up that little feeling of emptiness and indecision.  The crap that leaves you teetering on the edge of  self-destruction.  I finally am seeing that I have not been following what my heart tells me.  Cheese factor aside, this is like a halogen light bulb going off in my head.  What in the french toast am I doing not enjoying my life to the fullest, being lazy and consuming crap to fill a void? These crazy mood swings, illnesses and all around shitty feeling aren’t from too much sucre in me diet, it’s from the lack of fulfillment.  The things I mentioned give me that moment of fake fulfillment, then it passes and I am back to square one.

Booo! Sometimes it sucks to be all grown up and realizing poignant stuff.

But lets take a look back to childhood and see what we can learn from that time besides how to light our own farts on fire (touche if you were able to do that without lighting your actual asshole on fire).  I was actually a very quiet, shy child who was crazy sensitive and sweet.  What the hell happened?! I will tell you what happened.  Somewhere along the way, I lost it.  I lost that sense of self and I became what the “world told me I had to be“.  Well screw that!!  I am no longer listening to the BS that floats around out there, I’m going to listen to the wisest person I know…ME.  Therefore, I decided I’m moving to San Diego (for those of you who do not know, San Diego means a whales vagina.) Why, you say.  Because I damn well feel like it and because it speaks to me and to my true nature as a closeted hippy living close to the sand and basking in the sun year round (except I will never ever wear patchouli, it smells like dirty armpits nor will i camp without an entourage). I’m not that comfortable in NYC and I realize I never really have been.  So I say on to new adventures!!

Jealous much!

Well then  I think that this move is officially the second step in my skewed path to self love and enlightenment.   And what have I learned?? Just this….

Listen to your heart when (she’s) calling for you, listen to your heart there’s nothing else you can do….  Damn it Roxette, your lyrics get me every time.

Keep Calm and Carry On…

Playing sports of any kind requires grit and determination, an insurmountable amount of mental focus, a physique primed to take on the most impossible of tasks and lastly Kegels of steel.  That’s right sometimes when you exert too much force in a sport, you pee a little bit.  There I said it, the cat’s out of the bag and the truth has been told.  I actually feel a kind of freedom in revealing this to the world cause I feel it is an issue that plagues many athletes.   But despite their bravery in sport, they lack a bravery in vocalizing this issue.  An issue that stains their pants as well as their egos.   So there athletes, I said it for you. Your welcome.

Last Saturday I competed in a CrossFit competition that included double unders (jump roping) with a clean and press ladder.

I am killing double unders, and oh yes a pee inducing exercise. But besides that, isn’t purple totally my color!

 

Meet the beast within the woman

It was fuuuun, mostly because I stayed calm, did not yell obscenities, kick weights (ahem…Shannan) and wore black wicking pants (thank the Baby Jesus, no tell-tale sign of wet spots!) I thought I did pretty damn good despite placing 12th.  But at 8 months into the sport I thought it was not too shabby.  So for the weekend I was on a high of positivity!  I went to a pig roast  honoring the cavewoman within, thank you Mrs. Sara Rose.  Sunday I spent a lovely day on the beach with my girls chatting, relaxing and having a fantabulous picnic.  You think that would have set me up for an awesome week.

But noooo, Monday morning I awoke in a serious funk,  WTF!  I skipped my morning practice, dragged ass around all day and left work early cause I couldn’t stand to be there another minute.  And on top of that I was mad at myself for getting mad at stupid things like the slow walking tourists and cars having the audacity to  be on the road.  When Tuesday arrived full of promise,  I felt like warm crap, my body hurt which made me mad, I didn’t feel like training anyone and I again left work early to mope around my house eating kale and brussel sprouts (even depression will not undermine my detox!!).  Yet today I feel fantastic, I taught a great energetic class, have a positive attitude and I am looking forward to training my clients later tonight.

So what the hell is my rambling about? It’s just about realizing that not everyday will you be singing “sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy!!!”.  Monday and Tuesday I was more like “sunshine on my shoulders makes me vomit”.  Days happen when you just can’t muster up the energy to exude happiness or gratitude.  Sometimes you need to wallow in some mysterious misery for a while.  You can’t get mad at the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (again I am learn-ed, yeah you can say it, I’m kind of a big deal).  No one is perfect (except Johnny Depp of course).  

Have at it! Give yourself permission to stay at home in bed watching quality movies such as  “Wild Things” or “Waterworld”, eating bon-bons or bacon, ignoring phone calls and festering in your own stench.  It’s cool that’s what perfume was created for and the only reason the two aforementioned movies exist.  Plus get over it, tomorrow is another day.

Look what you’ve done to this rock & roll clown…

Classic Rewind on Sirius XM is my schiznit, I listen to it everyday.  A combo of music from the 70’s and 80’s = awesome.  But come on, when the hell did 80’s music cross over into the “classic” category.  Awww damn people!  It has officially happened i have become that over 30 person who starts to question how the hell time has passed.  NOOOOOO! That means I am well on my way to beginning sentences like “Those damn kids…” or “When I was your age…” .  Plus I will begin to talk about my bowel movements like they are international news and conjecture exactly why my poo is that color (must be the beets….). Such a shame.

But speaking of bowel movements!  I am on Day 10 of my sugar detox and I have to admit, I cheated.  SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE and don’t judge me.  It was bar snacks dammit, they get your every time.  I was sitting at a bar with my friend drinking my water with lemon and being an overall superb model of the sugar detox.  Then it happened, a bowl of fresh mixed nuts with rice crackers and wasabi peas entered my periphery. It was all over.  Wasabi peas and honey roasted cashews entered my mouth  with the lightening speed and reckless abandon likened to a crackhead chasing after a mythical rock ten feet in diameter.  But at the moment I took it for what it was….DELICIOUS!

Fast forward to today.  I feel like a hot steaming pile of the aformentioned poo.  I have a serious headache, am a little nauseous, my brain is slightly foggy and the receptionist downstairs must think I have a drug problem from running to the bathroom so much.  Guess what was a bad idea.

Do not, I repeat, do not do that to yourself!  Just try it and your ass will be just as raw as mine, although I do recommend moist flushable wipes.  What TMI? Oh I’m soooo sorry, but you should take this warning as serious as you do a warning from the Surgeon General!

Lesson learned, sugar is mine enemy for now.

SIDE NOTE: You know how impossible it is to find bacon without sugar in it!! Yes I’m mad! I love turkey bacon, regular bacon, beef bacon.  If it says bacon on it, i’m eatin’ it!  If I would not be checked into a mental institution i might wear bacon a la Lady Gaga….or did she wear steak? Well, whatever, she had the right idea.  But on the serious tip, they put sugar in everything so check your labels!

 

 

“Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage…”

8:30am Wednesday morning.  It smells slightly of damp armpits and death, people scurry like rodents with their heads down,  black circles encapsulate their eyes which are dead locked on nothing but seeming infinite space.  The familiar noises  sound like the screams of many a soul stuck on the 7th level of hell, clawing to get out and only succeeding in sinking further into the abyss.

Yep, just another day in subway paradise with the rat race!!

Each Wednesday morning I get up and teach a  group fitness class in Tribeca and sit on the subway at 6:00 am amongst people who feel exactly the same way I usually feel.  Our faces usually resemble the below picture:

This is just before I put on my make-up

But screw that I said to myself , I’m going to put on my happy face and fake it till I make it.  I mean I have a degree in theatre so I should be able to paste a smile on my face and tackle the day with a positive freaking attitude!  So that is what I did, I smiled.  I  smiled and thanked the random garbage truck man who yelled “Yo, you look better than Beyonce!”; I smiled when the small woman pushed me to get to a seat on the subway;  I smiled when the person in front of me on the line to get coffee took what seemed like 10 minutes to pay and I smiled while all the other people on the subway went about their day with a look of agony on their faces.   I faked it for awhile especially with the garbage truck man but eventually it turned into a real smile.  It seems kinda pointless to just be another face of agony in the rat race when I can create a little bit of light in my day and perhaps someone else’s.  So I say give it a whirl and see if it makes a difference in your day.  Those little annoyances really just role off your shoulder and do not seem so monumentally important.  Smiling can be catching and perhaps if I do it enough I will become a purple fairy princess (my ultimate dream in life, and yes the fey do exist!) who never has to use the bathroom and who grants people their deepest desires which will make them just as smiley as me.

~Deep Thoughts by Tracey

This is totally me. Except that I do not have wings, purple hair nor could I ever walk in heels that high. But the picture is damn kick ass!

S**T CrossFit girls say.

My quads feel like someone took a knife and decided to separate each individual muscle fiber from each other.  Welcome to the wonderful world of CrossFit competition!!

And all you CF naysayers, get off my freaking back!

This Saturday marked my first, sort of official CrossFit competition.  The workout was nothing but 150 wallballs (squatting below parallel and then throwing a ball twice the size of your head to a target 12, 10 and 8 feet high).  The energy in the gym that day was electric, the crowds were roaring, the sky overhead was a clear, sumptuous blue and the athletes were prepped to give their all.  Or I wish this was what happened cause really, it was hot as freaking balls in the gym cause there was no air conditioning, about 150 sweaty people were crammed into about 1,000 sqft. of space and outside the air was unbreathable cause it was so humid and about 95 degrees.  But you know what I had fun and kinda can’t wait til next weeks competition.  Plus, I think my mom is gonna make my sister and I  meatballs for a snack so this just adds to my overall excitement.  YEEEAHH Meat!

I was a little nervous last week that I would be completely crap compared to other people, but the goddess of enlightenment granted me a little beacon of light that eased my nerves.  First of all (and I am so serious this happened), I opened the drawer beside my bed last Thursday and two of those rubber bracelets that you get from everywhere nowadays were sitting side by side.  One read “I will not lose” and the other one said “Confidence”,  how awesome is that!  I learned from one of those lovely ladies at the gathering I went to in Brooklyn that when things like this happen it’s called Synchronicity.  Basically it is the unlikely conjunction of events, startling serendipity or the underlying link between mind and matter.  Carl Jung describes this underlying link as a connectedness that manifests itself through meaningful coincidences that cannot be explained by cause and effect (And yes as you can see I am a learn-ed individual.  The internet is not only for porn!).  Super bad ass!  It is becoming more and more apparent to me that your mind sets in motion your life events.  As you say, so shall it be my friends.  This is why I have hopped on the positivity train because this negativity in thoughts, in actions sets into motion negative and totally shitty events.

A little challenge for you my peeps.  Take that negative thought that you are having, whether you tell yourself  “I can’t do this because….” or “This sucks and I hate it when….” ; write the thought down on a piece of paper and then crumple it up and throw it away.  Replace that negative thought and write down a brag about yourself, a thing you are grateful for and a desire.  Also  when those instances of synchronicity happen, write them down too.  I’m not sure and certainly not an expert on the subject,  but I think when these groovy thoughts replace some of the crap-o-la that swims and cavorts around in our brains, we might start to notice how much more Synchronicity there is in our life.

You may think the above reeks of cheesiness but seriously we need to get some flowers and rainbows up in this piece before we all fall victim to zombies and psychic vampires.  And psychic vampires are not the cool ones that drink your blood, these are the evils ones that steal your psychic energy when you sleep much like cats.  Seriously, cats are the devils playthings and I don’t even believe in the devil. But I believe cats try to steal your breath (aka soul) when you are sleeping,  a la Sleepwalkers.  I’m just saying, look it up, its totally true.

No really this gum tastes just like ice cream!

My sister calls it food gum, I call it genius.   Extra Dessert Delites gum, chocolate chip mint ice cream flavor, is the best gum ever. Hands down.  I have literally eaten a pack in one day, in the space of hours actually.  Which makes for a very uncomfortable sensation in your nether regions.  Don’t ever do this if you value your friendships.  I am grateful that this gum tastes just like the ice cream, no seriously it does.  The apple pie flavor tastes just like apple pie  and the key lime pie flavor tastes just like fake limes no resemblance to the actual pie which is highly disappointing.  My desire today is to have a piece of gum because I have a sugar detox headache.  Not a splitting headache but a nagging headache, so annoying.

But I am proud that i will not fall under the lure of this tasty treat and will instead eat an avocado.  Which is totally opposite, but whatever I like avocado.

Onward and upward in my quest to cleanse and be a more positive, uplifting individual.   Last night I went outside of my comfort zone and attended a dinner in the BK called Goddess Gathering: A Feast for Femmepreneurs.  This little gathering was created by Bikram teacher extraordinaire Mishel Herrera and her lovely Doula friend Stacey Lewis.

Side note:  I just learned this last night.  A doula is kind of like a mid-wife but more spiritually minded. The goal of a doula is to ensure the mother feels safe and confident before, during, and after deliver.  I think that is lovely, although I will opt for copious amounts of drugs injected directly into the ol’ spine.  But it would be nice to have a doula sing me songs, bring me ice chips or peanut butter.  OMG wait i have a doula already, its called mom!

I was a little skeptical because I am not the common touchy-feely everything is beautiful flowers and rainbows sort of chic.  But as I said, I am attempting to leave judgement behind and do things that will guide me on the path to self-love and gratitude.  About 10 women met at  a vegan restaurant called Sun in Bloom  and just had a kind of pow-wow of positivity.  Before each course, Mishel and Stacey asked us questions that we had to answer after our first bite.  Difficult! Cause a girl’s got to eat and I was hungry as per usual plus I’m an avid carnivore so vegan and me don’t really get along in terms of satisfaction factor. But I have to admit the food was damn good.

The questions were deep, seriously.  It took a minute to formulate an answer but you know what, I was able to voice some things that I never actually thought about.  Here’s a couple o’the questions:

Who were you before the world told you who you had to be?” (whaaaat, deep dude!)

What do you want to be remembered for?” (besides being the awesomest biyatch in the world….)

We also had to tell a brag about ourselves, a gratitude (something you are grateful for) and a desire.  This is something I will try to do everyday. I mean what better way to appreciate yourself, appreciate something else and put your goals and desires onto paper.

All in all it was a wonderful evening and I got to meet some cool ladies who are all on this positivity band-wagon.  Plus I did not have  consume an alcoholic beverage and opted out of the dessert.  Woo-hoo!

Next time.  My adventure into Qoya! 

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