The old college try #1: Sugar Detox!

If you are filthy rich is it a prerequisite that you have to be weird?  Cause the Olsen twins are just plain weird and elusive like wiley mice.  Crap! That is so not following the path of an enlightened person, that is just plain judgmental.  And if i judge others aren’t I really only judging myself?  BOOM, i just dropped a bomb of knowledge in your ear!  But really this is an issue that plagues me.  I mean not really, I was bored at work and watching Entertainment tonight.

So old college try #1!  I decided that i needed to clean myself out. I’ve been getting sick too often, I feel like my workouts suck and I am bloated to the point where my boobs look like two humongous orbs o’pleasure.  Hence, SUGAR DETOX!  For the month of August, I am off of all kinds of sugar, even my lovely stevia.  Siiiiiigh.  But it must be done cause i feel gross and I feel that this will give me some clarity of mind.  I am even swearing off the adult beverage, i know crazy, but I believe that I will come to other forms of enjoyment if I leave these devices of attachment alone. Devices of attachment I say, because like it or not I am attached to some form of sugar.  In my coffee, in the form of beer or vodka, a  delicious, crispy apple.  Therefore, NO MAS!  I am leaving it alone and since it takes 21 days to break a habit, I will go for the whole month and then reward myself with a vacation to Puerto Rico!

SIDE NOTE:  Some of you may know some of you may not know, I have an obsession with eating well, working out and the like.  I am a big-boned gal who has been a huge 240 pounds, a miniscule 125 pounds and have settled at a solid 175ish/180ish pounds.  I have competed in kickboxing, grappling, figure and now have my sights set on dominating in CrossFit.  Why?? Because inherently I am crazy.  Which makes me an awesome conversationalist but also someone who is very hard on themselves for not being the “perfect size” despite my every effort to achieve that goal.  One reason I love CrossFit, a big booty and legs is revered, loved and encouraged because it allows you to so much more power. Yeah get over it, I drank the kool-aid.

Sugar detox. Today is the first day. Today i did not put stevia nor coconut milk creamer in my coffee.  Today i did not kill anyone.  Today i made some really tasty food.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Today i had substantially more energy than yesterday. Today I did not cry from lack of any sugar substance. Baby steps.

So i thought i should share what I ate, how I worked out cause  a) i consider myself the chef of the future and nothing I ate had added sugar in it; b) I need your moral support during my detox and everyone always asks me what i eat and how I work out.

To get things moving…. upon waking 3 tablespoons of golden roasted flax seeds (Of course they are from Trader J’s)and black coffee with cocoa powder and cinammon

6:30am-8:00am: Strength workout (squats, squats and more squats!)

8:30am: Breakfast: 5oz sweet potato seared in coconut oil and scrambled with egg whites=YUM!

10am: Boredom i.e, intervals on the concept rower

11:30am: Turkey/Beef Meatloaf with 21 spices (yep available at TJ’s) with sauteed brussel sprouts and asparagus (please note: the smell of my pee was obn0xiously horrible)

12:30pm: Boredom i.e, 45 minutes on the arch trainer.  Split Routine back and biceps

3:00pm:  1 whole avocado with a slice of Julian’s Bakery Paleo Bread (made of almond flour, no sugar Boooyah!)

7:00pm:  5oz extra lean ground turkey meat with kale, cabbage and brussel sprouts sauteed with bacon.

8:30ishpm:  I started experimenting and made this awesome recipe from my favorite website Paleomg.com.  It was a carrot pudding.  You should totally make it.  I would give you the recipe but get off your lazy ass and look it up on the website I just gave you.  The chick is also doing a sugar detox so it makes my life easy 🙂

Day 1 has ended only 30 to go and I dont feel like shooting a puppy.  Now that is progress.

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I like me…sort of…

But I really like instant coffee.  Especially Trader Joe’s brand.  In fact, I love any and everything Trader Joe’s.  I should buy stock in it.

So it begins….I am dedicating this blog to myself.  Why? Because I like me, I am the shit, an ethereal goddess of eternal awesome-ness, a buddha shining as a beacon of light in this pit of despair, a towering inferno of all that is superb!! Or that’s what I try my hardest to tell myself. Plus people tell me I smell good so therefore I thought I would be the best person to impart to others my countless years of wisdom, musings, ponderings and the sage advice that comes with these years.

But really this is about things I think should be discussed with candor.  Mainly me, food, fitness (my obsession with the aforementioned), why that skinny bitch can eat nothing but chicken fingers and still be a size 4,  F**K HER! Including but not limited to, all the other things that get my panties in a bunch.  But overall its about my trying to find self-acceptance, self-love and the devices and crazy things i shall use to get there.

Blah, blah, blah right now there is a musical interlude in my head of “The Promise”.  I love When In Rome, they rock or did rock.  Back in the 80’s they were the schiznit but i bet their hair is not as long and lustrous anymore.

Back to the issue at hand! I know that many peeps out there have heard of this concept of self-love, gratitude, manifesting and all that crap.  And we have all tried it to some extent.  I know i have read The Secret, seen the movie and invested hours upon hours in all sorts of self-help books that do me a world of good…..for about a week.  Then I go back to my old ways of being depressed with my life, judging that girl who has no business wearing white leggings (seriously they cause cameltoe for everyone, no exceptions!) and overall feeling that there is something missing.  And i think the issue is that these books and movies speak to me but they do not speak my language.

Fortunately for you, I think that you speak my language of sarcasm, brash hysterical musings and enjoyment of the daily poop joke.  So i figured why not try this enlightenment, self-love thingy again but through the use of poop jokes and the like.  So now you must be thinking, “oh lord another woman who is going to preach about how she found herself through seeing the absolute beauty of a leaf“.  Oh contrar!  I am a 33 year old LADY (cause I’m classy) who has not found the path to self-love, gratitude etc.  But that is what this about, giving it a try buuut Im gonna do it my way, dammit! That means a lot of cursing, making poop/fart jokes, crying in the fetal position, kicking shit, overall tomfoolery and the occasional alcoholic beverage.  Who knows maybe the goddess of enlightenment will finally see it my way.

So begins the journey….

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